IT BYTES - THE COLUMN WITH PUNCH FROM BROWNSKILL "RUBBERTY" LEE!!

It all started on Friday at NEWI Cefn Druids. As predicted in this very column it rained heavily at the gloomy Wrexham overspill outpost. Plaskynaston brings a whole new meaning to the term 'going down a storm'.
So come on then - who else got caught in that effing tea queue? I reckon they went all the way to China to cultivate the Camellia and stopped off in Dyserth to kill a cow to make the burgers. Just my luck to be stuck behind a father-of-six who was feeding the five thousand. Only one person operating the serving hatch too, and they gave out ceramic mugs - dangerous game when Bangor fans are around! Lethal weapons in the wrong hands.
Behind the hatch one could witness Rhyl's directors (and a couple of hangers-on) feeding off the fatted calf in the VIP room. Never mind, one day I'll cash in my Green Shield stamps and buy the club and then it will be my turn to stuff my face with ham butties and laugh at the queue-dwellers.
By the time I got served I'd grown a beard, hell had become an ice-rink and Craig Garside had managed to score a goal.
And what about that stand! The music was so loud it made Jade Goody sound like a rocking horse fart. I reckon they could hear it on Wellington Road (the music not Dobbin's trump). I went there to watch a game of football not sit next to Lemmy from Motorhead's amp.
Before the kick-off came a guard of honour for Tiger Tim on making 400 Welsh Premier apps - good on yer big ears. He wouldn't admit it, but I bet walking down Leslie Crowther's steps to that Plaskynaston pitch doesn't compare one bit to the Belle Vue roar.
The game itself was a bit of a mismatch, I thought it was probably one of our best performances of the season, but I leave writing about football matches to others.
Next up it was Nomads on Tuesday at an eerie Deeside Stadium. I really would like to write about that game as it was complete pony and trap.
The poor team just about beat the very poor team and the winner came from the only player on the pitch with any idea of how to score a goal.
The ball boys will earn their cash at Belle Vue if Garside shoots like that again. I wouldn't fancy him trying to win me a prize on a fairground shooting range, then again if I was facing a firing squad I'd feel pretty safe with CG pulling the trigger.
And how many times was the ball put out of play by both sides because a player couldn't make a simple pass?
The crowd banter was more entertaining.
Nomads had their own version of "Kids for a Quid", taking advantage of a day release pass from a youth correction centre to let a group of juvenile plebs in to make as much noise as possible. They had an unhealthy interest in John McAllister and none of their songs rhymed. They also cheered Jim Hackett (I hope he was taping it for posterity).

And now....its.....around the grounds with Brownskill Lee!!!

MAXWELL (SIZE OF A) HOUSE
Layton Maxwell used to feast on goals - now he just feasts on burgers. He used to strike a mean chip on the field, now he just eats chips.
I was astonished by the size of Maxwell when I saw the Caernarfon v Airbus game. And I see he scored a penalty - I remember him missing a crucial one for us.
Maxwell gives plenty of ammunition to those detractors who say the Welsh Premier is full of fat ex-pros playing on half empty for an over-inflated pay cheque. Andrew Mumford is another pork scratching.
Makes one feel proud of our own Gary Powell, a former Football League pro of many years standing who is now 38 but still as fit as a Nelson Riddle.
SPAWNY BANGOR
Did anyone see Bangor v Porthmadog? Jammy City turds. No way did Porthmadog deserve to lose. I see the Bangor fans message board continues to spurn bile beyond belief.
The one I'd like to see face 100 Jimmy Kelly free-kicks tied to a goalpost bollock naked is Daniel.
What a little tosser, his only aim on that board is to insult Rhyl and this week he was questioning the mental stability of another local player.
Daniel, if you ever come to Rhyl for your fix, please be sure to make yourself known, the only thing is I doubt you've ever left your bedroom and probably see every Bangor home game as you live in one of those shacks that overlooks the ground.

Am I bitter? Am I bitter?
Altogether now.............pint of Boddies for Rubberty please!
Yours in Splats
Rubberty Lee